Four Rules for Life

By editor - 6.12 2024

I’m not a patron of rules for many reasons: (a) since we can never summarize everything in one rule, we find the need to juggle many rules, (b) all the rules are not always applicable so one has to contextualize them to a time, place, situation, and person, (c) the need to juggle and contextualize rules creates meta-rules which suffer from the same problems, and (d) this eventually leads to an infinite cascade of rules.

And yet, rules can sometimes be a good starting point for common problems. Through my interaction with dozens of people, I have found four key problems that could be drastically reduced or completely eliminated if we altered our attitude toward them. These four problems are: (a) blame assignment, (b) renouncing responsibility, (c) feeling persecuted or oppressed, and (d) failing to do the needful.

These are ultimately false problems but everyone cannot overcome them at once. Hence, the need for rules for life, to keep reminding ourselves about these attitude problems and trying to correct them. The four rules, accordingly, are: (a) stop blaming, (b) accept responsibility, (c) feel grateful, and (d) try harder. In this post, I will discuss them one by one. I hope these rules will help some people. They are easy to understand and remember, and while they are not easy to implement, with practice they can be.

Table of Contents [hide]

1 Stop Blaming
2 Accept Responsibility
3 Feel Grateful
4 Try Harder
5 Summarizing

Stop Blaming

All of us tend to blame others for our problems. There is an outside-in causal model behind blame assignment. It says: if others did not create problems for us, we would be fine. This is a false causal model because everything that happens to us is ultimately caused by us; in short, causality is inside-out. Even if bad things are happening to us, they are happening because we have done bad things in the past. And yet because we are so accustomed to the false outside-in causal model, we have become habituated to blaming others. When we think that others are responsible for our problems, we become angry. We try to change others, which generally doesn’t work (unless we have power over them). If we cannot change others, we become cynical and frustrated. We might also feel demoralized or demotivated.

Blame assignment is a huge mistake in life because we cannot change anyone unless they want to change themselves. Even if we have power over others and change can be coerced, it is generally not long-lasting. A person who doesn’t want to change doesn’t appreciate or accept the change. They might revolt against our attempt to change them. They might retaliate against our attempts to blame them with counteraccusations. This results in conflicts, anger, frustration, cynicism, and exhaustion. All our energy is sapped in anger and conflict and life is wasted in trying to achieve the impossible.

Therefore, the first rule of life is to stop blaming others. It doesn’t mean others are perfect. It means that I am with them because of my past deeds. Unless I had done something wrong, I would not have to interact with them, I would not have to face the problems that I am facing, I would not feel angry, I would not want to change them, and I would not fail in my endeavors due to their resistance. Instead of worrying about why others are the way they are, we should focus on why I am with them.

Could I choose to avoid or evade them? If so, we can take that route. Cut off the narcissistic, selfish, and arrogant people from your life, if you can. But even if you cannot completely cut them off, learn to ignore them. Your life is not tied to them forever. They have their life and you have yours. Some people call this drawing boundaries. We dissociate ourselves from those with whom we cannot live, instead of fighting them or trying to change them. This is in our interest. If we can stop blaming others, then we can be peaceful instead of angry. We will have fewer conflicts, make fewer attempts to change others, our energy would be preserved, and we will not feel paralyzed, demoralized, and demotivated.

Accept Responsibility

Blame assignment is a trap in which we think we are helpless because of our circumstances. The more we blame, the less we feel in control of our life, and the less we take responsibility for ourselves. As mentioned above, ending blame assignment requires us to accept responsibility—we are forced to be with someone because of our past deeds. But responsibility acceptance goes beyond this. It stretches into a focus on long-term goals different from short-term tactics. The circumstances keep changing but the long-term goal is constant. If we can keep our sight on the long-term goals, then we can adjust the short-term tactics as a necessary evil right now without feeling overwhelmed by the situation.

The long-term goal in everyone’s life is (or should be) spiritual advancement. The short-term tactics are related to survival (putting food on the table, keeping good mental and bodily health, earning and saving to support ourselves and those who depend on us, etc.). Spiritual advancement can never be hindered by any external circumstances. In fact, bad circumstances are a better opportunity to make spiritual progress than good circumstances. All bad circumstances are hence related to survival. If we can focus on the long-term goals then issues of survival do not disturb us as much as they do people who have no long-term goals and are simply trying to survive. This requires us to accept responsibility for our spiritual progress. Others can guide us but that guidance is wasted unless we are serious about our lives.

Thus, we can demarcate two types of responsibility acceptance. The first pertains to the arrival of bad situations in our lives that hinder our survival. The second pertains to the ultimate goal of our life, i.e., spiritual advancement. We are responsible for the bad situations and we are responsible for making spiritual progress. If we keep blaming the situation, then we are not accepting both responsibilities. We are holding someone else responsible for our bad situations and using that as an excuse for not making spiritual progress. Responsibility avoidance hurts nobody but us. Our bad situations won’t disappear if we blame others. We won’t make spiritual progress by using problems as an excuse for our stagnation.

There is a difference between our material and spiritual identities. The material identity changes life after life, and many times during the present life. The spiritual identity is eternal. Most people can’t focus on their spiritual identity because of problems with their material identity. The human life is wasted in survival, just like the animals. Then one enters animal life again. Blaming others won’t change our destiny. We have to be aware of the dangers of not using human life well because the opportunities of this life are not available elsewhere. As a human, we can read books and perform meditation. Animals cannot do that. We have to accept responsibility for our destiny because we alone have to bear the consequences. Nobody we blame will endure the destiny we are creating for ourselves.

Feel Grateful

Gratitude is a transcendental emotion. Gratitude is excited and yet not arrogant, peaceful and yet not complacent, humble and yet not demoralized. Sattvic people are peaceful and often complacent. Rajasic people are excited and often arrogant. Tamasic people are demoralized and often lazy. We should be excited, peaceful, and humble and yet not arrogant, lazy, or complacent. All of this is achieved simply by feeling grateful. It is the best mood to cultivate as it naturally brings transcendence into our life.

Gratitude is not hard if we are slightly perceptive. Just compare your life to the life of millions of people who don’t have enough to eat, a safe place to sleep, access to knowledge, and a healthy body and mind to pursue the mission of life. So many people are dying of hunger, in wars, have no idea about the mission of life, or their life is disturbed due to mental and bodily diseases. If we have enough to eat, a place to stay, access to knowledge, and a healthy body and mind, then we have everything we need to pursue the mission of life. We should be grateful for what we have because it is necessary and sufficient.

We could dream of having millions of things that someone else has but they are unnecessary for the mission of human life. We could be deprived of the things that are necessary for the mission of life, which is truly unfortunate. But if we have what is necessary and sufficient for life’s mission, then we should be grateful. Hankering for unnecessary things stops us from appreciating what we have, how it has to be used, and how it will transform our lives. We waste our life in pursuing unnecessary things.

Once we have gratitude, most of life’s job is done. First, we will be peaceful, excited, humble, and active. Second, in that mood, we can do great things for our benefit and the benefit of others. Third, when activities are performed in the mood of gratitude, we continuously make spiritual progress. Fourth, gratitude is the defense against feelings of isolation, abandonment, loneliness, or entitlement. Fifth, the satisfaction that comes with gratitude prevents us from wasting our time looking for pleasure.

A person without gratitude blames others. He thinks he is entitled to something that he did not get. He feels abandoned, isolated, cheated, betrayed, and demoralized. Instead of focusing on what he has, and how that could be sufficient, he chases things that are unnecessary. A person without gratitude could be envious, hateful, or angry. He focuses on the losses of life instead of focusing on what is to be gained. He wastes his time in rumination and achieves nothing. He becomes more and more bitter with the passing of time. He might even pursue various kinds of pleasures to overcome feelings of inadequacy. Gratitude is the cure for all these problems. Hence, one must cultivate gratitude over all other emotions.

Try Harder

Most people are afraid of hardship. They want life to be comfortable and easy. They expect that great things will happen to them and for them automatically. Their fear of failure is the reason that they fail to try difficult things. However, failure is guaranteed if we don’t try. A person with gratitude doesn’t have these problems. He can attempt difficult things because he feels he already has everything he needs to try harder things. He also feels obliged to return in gratitude for what he has received in life.

Spiritual life is incredibly hard for one who has no gratitude. People living a comfortable life feel entitled to comfort. They cannot accept hardship because hardship feels like an insult to a person accustomed to comfort. He expects that someone else will take the pain for him, that they will endure hardships on his behalf, and that they will simplify life for him so that he doesn’t have to do anything. When that expectation is not fulfilled, a person starts blaming others. The education system is bad, the government is bad, the economy is bad, the employers are bad, the leaders are bad, the teachers are bad, and so on.

While there may be truth in all of these, blaming others solves no problems. We have to become the change that we want to see in the world. But only people with gratitude can do this. Those who don’t have gratitude for what they have received, spend their life blaming others and failing to try.

Hardship doesn’t seem so hard to those with gratitude. They attempt difficult things and due to their persistence in their efforts—arising from their gratitude—they succeed. Nature is not unjust. The injustice we perceive is the result of our previous actions. If we change our actions, then natural justice will ensure results. Those looking for such results try a little and abandon the effort if they don’t get quick results. But the person with gratitude says: I have already received so much that I have to do justice to what I have received by endeavoring continuously. His positive mood brings success.

Therefore, if one has gratitude, then trying harder is simply trying. Without gratitude, everything seems harder, a person doesn’t try anything that seems difficult to him, gets no results, blames everyone other than himself, and expects miracles and magic in lieu of his failure to try. There is a strong tendency in people who pursue spiritual life to expect magic and miracles. After all, they have accepted God, the all-powerful being, so they expect Him to do magic and miracles for them. Belief in God thus often results in magical thinking. But if God did magic and miracles for His worshippers, then what would the worshippers do? They will simply become entitled parasites on God, always demanding and expecting magic and miracles. Hence, God doesn’t do magic and miracles for anyone unless they are trying harder.

Summarizing

These four rules of life are progressive. We have to begin by ending the blame game before we come to accept the responsibility we have toward ourselves. If we keep blaming others, we will never take life seriously. Once we accept that we alone are responsible for our destiny, then we can understand that quite often what we already have is sufficient. We don’t need millions of things that others are chasing. The focus on the essentials makes us grateful. We realize that we already have the necessary and sufficient, for fulfilling the ultimate goal of life. That gratitude takes away the feeling of abandonment, loneliness, betrayal, or cynicism. In a mood filled with excitement, humility, and peacefulness, we start doing things that might have seemed much harder earlier. As we endeavor, we attain success.

I have tried to practice these four rules throughout my life. I did not verbalize them always in the way that I have here. But very early on in my life, I realized that I alone am responsible for my destiny. I can break it or I can make it. I have always felt that human life is very important. Every moment is so valuable that it should not be wasted. Therefore, I focus on the essentials, the necessary and sufficient, and don’t worry about what others are doing. I have felt a lot of gratitude for what I have received in my life, even though I have been betrayed, abandoned, and lonely most of my life. When I get bad feelings, I tell myself: Look at what you have rather than what you don’t have. God has given you so much. So many other people in this world don’t have what you have. So be grateful and show that gratitude.

Trying harder things then becomes easier. I don’t expect magic and miracles, just because I trust God. I know God will give me what I need when I need it. Until then, I will try with what I already have. This frame of mind has enabled me to try things that previously seemed impossible to me. Every measure I set for myself, realistically speaking, I try to exceed it. Thus, I keep setting higher and higher standards for myself. I push myself to try harder. I have stopped thinking about failure. The goal is progress rather than perfection. But I don’t compete with others; I compete with myself by attempting to do things that I did not attempt before and pushing my boundaries to go beyond the previous limits. By jumping into the unknown, head first, I have come to realize that there is infinite novelty, no boredom, and unlimited excitement if we maintain a positive frame of mind, which always comes through gratitude.

Jumping into the unknown does not mean stupidity if we have acquired knowledge earlier. That, of course, comes before everything else. If we don’t cultivate knowledge, then we will not stop blaming because everything will look as coming from outside into us. We will not accept responsibility because without knowledge there is no other life. We will not feel grateful because there is an emptiness within that we try to fill with material things. We will never try harder, because life is generally a struggle that tires us but without knowledge, there is nothing that rejuvenates us. Therefore, knowledge is preliminary. And yet, even if we get theoretical knowledge, it is hard to make a change in life because knowledge brings a conceptual change rather than an emotional change. Conceptual change is reversible, and it is reversed unless we bring an emotional change. Thereby, knowledge is necessary but not sufficient.

Emotional change is slow because of accumulated habits. We blame others instinctively. We don’t take responsibility instinctively. We feel persecuted instinctively. We are lazy instinctively. The four rules can help a person curtail the current instincts and create new instincts such that we instinctively stop blaming others, take responsibility for our future, feel gratitude for what we already have, and try harder in an enthusiastic mood. Instinctual change is slow but long-lasting. It is the hard self-work of life.

The result of the four rules is persistence, consistency, dedication, commitment, and enthusiasm. The four rules are little more than ways and means that ensure that we consistently follow the four rules. Hence, as we follow the four rules, it becomes easier to follow the four rules. Practice makes perfect.

Therefore, I can suggest the four rules of life to everyone. They are easy to remember, although they could be difficult to implement in the beginning. But we can keep trying. When there is a failure, don’t blame anyone. Just accept it along with the responsibility you bear toward yourself to make your life successful. Focus on the essentials, the necessary and the sufficient, and the ultimate goal of life. You may realize that you have all that you need. With gratitude, try harder. Since there is justice in nature, therefore, success will come. Even if results appear delayed or overdue, you will have lived the best life that was possible for you. That contentment is the biggest reward that anyone can expect from life.